im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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