GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
