I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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