seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
