So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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