It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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