I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
