Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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