I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
