remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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