Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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