my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
