I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
