sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I party with great urgency now.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
