Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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