The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
