Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You can't motorboat a personality
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
