and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
