you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
