I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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