My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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