Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
