My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
