She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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