I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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