she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
