Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
