How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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