Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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