You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
