I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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