i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
