Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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