I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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