if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
