so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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