I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
