Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize