im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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