if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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