I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
