I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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