I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
