3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
