imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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