But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
