Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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