Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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