I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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