I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
