Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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